All I could think about on Saturday morning was getting to my laptop and writing a blog post. It has been a long time since I've needed to write like that. Usually I'm commemorating an event, filling a gap, or writing down thoughts that have been ruminating for a while. Saturday it was a torrent- I had to get the words out or else I was going to burst and cry and tuck myself in bed at 3:00 in the afternoon (actually, I still did the latter two). And more than the writing- I needed the comments. Shamelessly needed them, looked forward to them, read them repeatedly. I needed the community, the slightly cheesy but still real internet hugs, the knowledge that if we all lived in the same town like the olden days, there would be sympathy and empathy and margaritas and then a lot of laughing about something irrelevant and inappropriate. Reeling is the best I can describe it and it doesn't come close.
I'd hoped to be feeling a bit better by today. More grounded, less like I want to cry. I don't. If anything, I'm worse. I was at work thinking "oh my god what if I have to leave this job in two months and what are we going to do." And I came home to a grim looking JP who'd spent half the day working and half the day job hunting and said, "I think maybe this is going to be harder than I thought yesterday. I can't believe I won't have a job a week from today." I hugged him. What else can I do? I had little to no patience for my darling children and just wanted to hunker down in my bed. I hate feeling like this. I'm a bright-side person by nature. It's just so soon to go back to a time that still feels so raw. I want to spend a few hours wallowing in the suckiness of watching your spouse go through it all again, of being the sole-income-earner again and the stresses that come with that, but I can't really, because obviously JP is the more injured party and I feel emotionally selfish and I don't want him to see me wallowing in my morass of sadness and fear and touch of panic over something he feels is his fault. Because it absolutely isn't his fault, and I can't give in and instead spend a lot of time staring into space and blanking out over what's happening around me. Works great on conference calls.
As I said on Saturday, I'm not handling this well.
In other news, while I was gone and JP was on his own with the kids and spinning from the news he'd be unemployed in 13 days, a giant tree limb cracked off our front oak tree in the middle of the night and landed on the gate, effectively trapping the car at the top of the driveway. He called a team of emergency arborists who came out at 7 a.m. the next morning to use ropes and pulleys and giant chain saws to deal with it. A negotiated $350 later and he was left with a giant trunk in the front yard that he'd volunteered to chop up himself to save the disposal fee. It was that huge branch (and I mean huge- the main trunk was at least 12" in diameter and I now realize we are so lucky it hit the gate and driveway and not the roof) I wanted to ask about when I walked in the door Friday night, just before learning the bigger news. On Saturday JP rented a chain saw for 4 hours and spent that entire time sawing up branches for firewood. I brought him out some water somewhere in the middle and casually mentioned that I would probably not have handled the "tree falls on house/gate" situation well had I been alone with the kids (see, for example, the dinosaur roach incident), particularly if I'd been dealing with the kind of news he'd been processing on his own, and he just smiled and said, "well, I've always wanted to use a chain saw." He is such a solidly, amazingly wonderful guy (and husband/friend/father/etc.) that I feel guilty for my not-yet-even-close to thinking of the silver lining state.
I just, I need a minute. Several minutes. I don't do well with uncertainty. I'm all for change- I love change. The adventure, the research, the to-do lists and contingency plans. I am all over that. But this is change wrapped in a dripping turd of uncertainty and I don't know the next step to prepare for, I just know I need to brace myself and curb my aimless stares because I can't honestly answer JP's "what are you thinking?" inquiries without making him feel depressed or guilty, which are of course the last things I need to make him feel, maybe because I am feeling them, and I know so many people have been through this and so many had/have it even worse (and I'm realizing nearly all of you will end up reading this on 9/11 and fortheloveofgod you'd think I could have a little perspective), but in this late-night moment of calculating how many months it will take before we can't pay our mortgage, I can't seem to get a grip on myself.
I'm not handling this well.
So sorry :( ... Here's hoping for the best in the next 13 days!
ReplyDeleteLongtime lurker, random commentor who had to de-lurk to tell you that you are handling this just fine. You were just thrown a HUGE curveball. You shouldn't think that how you're reacting isn't fine. Things may be rough for awhile, but you are a take charge, go-getter who will come through this stronger and wiser. You will get back to looking at the silver lining; you will. In the meantime, keep that awesome family of yours close and enjoy them.
ReplyDeleteHi LL. I would be focusing on all the same things, but please remember the things you've done right that put you guys in a better position right now. Two examples that immediately come to mind: a budget vacation instead of a splurge, and switching daycares.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that a number of your readers would like to do what they can to help you, so I am wondering whether you would consider putting ads (maybe the basic Google/Blogger built-in ones) on your blog? It might help a tiny bit.
I'm a single old lady..well.. I'm nt that old.. just almost 65... in a months time...I have lived in Seattle,WA for almost 3 years, and I can say it has been tough for me here. Living alone, thinking before I left I will find friends there.. NO.. that was no true. I had no idea that there is something called "The Seattle Freeze"... And so if it were not for blogging and finding friends on here ,,, I would not have ever had a friend.
ReplyDeleteBut,, getting back to your situation... I only get a very small amouth of money from Social Security.. and now since I am turning 65 they will be taking away $100.00 for Medicare.. Now I will be living on less. Of course I am not in the same situation as you and your Husband. I don't have a morgage.. I just rent. And I really don't know you.. And I know how your feeling. The stress of it all.. I had some money saved. Not a whole lot. How can you save a lot when your only getting $690.00 per month.. And now it will be less..
Well, I sure am getting off track here. I really wanted to let you know.. If you have to let go of things you have. Its just things. I have had to learn this.. I moved here with nothing in the car but what would fit in the back seat.. and had my little dog in the front seat.
It will be Your husband, You and Your Babies that are more important than anything else in the World. If it happens that you lose the house.. Its just a thing. It does not breath,, it only asks you to feed it so you can live there.
Just be strong and breath, and Things will work out One Way or Another..
Hi LL,
ReplyDeleteThe shock factor is understandable - it took me a week or two to get my head around the fact my contract wasn't going to be renewed as promised.
You also came into this physically badly drained from the journey, and it's really hard to respond to a shock in that state.
BTW - I've noticed that you have travelled and worked without making proper provision to feed yourself before. You are so super-organised with everything, it's curious that the notable exception being to take snacks for yourself when travelling. I know food has been an issue for you in the past, but have you thought about packing a muesli (granola) bars or crackers or something so that you don't drain your batteries so far? Maybe a 2 pack of ibuprofen and a juice pack - you need to look after yourself :-) Or maybe a swimmer or cyclist refuelling gel - nothing you want to eat, but something for emergencies.
I know it's overwhelming now, but maybe, you could focus on one or two small things you can do, rather than the immense uncertainty? Would JP like some puffy pancake, or mexican cheesecake dip or something foodwise that fills him full of love?
Hi LL,
ReplyDeleteI too was let go last Wednesday from a company head quartered in Austin. I live in Toronto and have worked for the company for almost 24 years so I was totally shocked to find out they were "eliminating" my position.
I can relate to the way uncertaintly makes you feel.
Everything will work out eventually. You two do not seem to be the type who will sit back and let things unravel. I am thinking of you and hope things get back on track quickly. Try to think of all the good things you have going on that will carry you through the rough times. There are blessings and silver linings everywhere.
Take care,
Kim
I didn't handle it well either. I had a full on nervous breakdown. You will get to the other side of this, I know you can't see this now, but you will.
ReplyDeleteI got laid off in June -- after 12 years with my company -- and the shock of it was tough. I know technically you're not the one who got laid off, but that doesn't mean you won't worry. Believe me, I spent plenty of nights staring at the ceiling adding up the costs of our mortgage and the COBRA payments in my head over and over. In the end I found a job fairly quickly. It's not ideal. I took a $10k pay cut, lost the flexibility I had to work from home and have a much longer commute. But I did find a job, and JP will too. It sounds like you're trying very hard to be sensitive to him, which is important. I knew intellectually that I got laid off because they were looking to cut as much liability off their balance sheet as possible, which made everyone at my salary level and length of service a target, but I still felt a little lost. I had no idea my identity was so tied up in my job.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you both. Based on everything I've ever seen you write, you're strong, you're smart, you're resourceful. You will be fine in the end.
My husband got laid off my my 1L summer, so there we were $20,000 in debt, I was newly pregnant, and now Bob was unemployed. It was a very stressful summer but by fall we were in a better place that we could have imagined in June.
ReplyDeleteYou're handling it the best you can. This really is hard, overwhelming and stressful. Let yourself off the hook for how you "should" be coping. Just cope how you know how to.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you carry a lot of the stress and worrying for the two of you. Every relationship has its own balance/dynamic. And maybe JP can be strong or, at least, doing ok, because he has you to contain his worries, fears, anxieties.
Any chance you have a vacation day or PTO day you can take? Try to give yourself a day or two to recover and rest.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. Try not to focus on the What Ifs. It wastes energy you'll need to keep calm and carry on. Just focus on today. Just for today- JP has done This One Important Thing (like talking to a headhunter). Just for today- You have enough money. Your kids have food and clothes and toys and each other.
ReplyDeleteAnd listen, I know you don't want to think about this. I KNOW you don't, but your family will not let you fall. They just won't. I know you won't WANT to have to borrow money from your parents or your aunt and uncle if it comes to that. I know it will KILL you to have to ask. I know it will hurt JP's pride and ALL OF THAT. But. You are a solid, responsible, intelligent adult, and you and your kids are a wonderful investment because you WILL pay back what you borrow with interest, certainly higher interest than your family members would be earning in a savings account.
We had what I call the "$12,000 week" back in April. A $4,000 vet bill, a tree knocked down in a storm damaging our property ($1400 for a tree surgeon) , a broken lens (I'm a professional photographer who needed to replace the lens in order to, you know, work) and an imploded laptop (ditto), and all of a sudden our little nest egg of emergency bash was GONE. In the course of a single week. I had to adjust my expectations about money- I ALWAYS pay my credit cards off in full every month. I borrowed some money from my parents so we didn't completely wipe out our cash savings. It killed me, but we broke down How We Are Going To Deal With This into four, manageable financial goals, and now, five months later, we've achieved three out of four.
It's okay to have a credit card balance when you've had emergencies. It's okay to ask for help if you need it. It's okay to be reeling. But don't panic. Panicking wastes energy you need to take care of what REALLY matters. Panicking means you will start making mistakes, mistakes that will take resources to fix (like zoning out while driving and having an accident that requires a $500 deductible, not that I've done that.)
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
You're going to be okay, even though it doesn't feel like it. At least you are working. I'm not saying I wouldn't panic too. I'm sure you don't need a bunch of advice. But I'm guessing ultimately you're going to do what you do best, which is not wallow. I am not saying don't wallow, because I think it's a critical part of the "healing" process, just do it for a few days and move on. You will eventually gain enough perspective to do some spreadsheets and other things. You are so smart and lucky that you seem to have little to no consumer debt. If you had to you could cut childcare temporarily, get an occasional babysitter instead. Take a second mortgage if you have to - rather than credit cards. JP may have to take a job he doesn't love as much while you work your job for a few more years. You will survive this. You will make a new reality. It's going to be okay.
ReplyDeleteI was so sad to hear JP's news. I hope he is able to find something that he likes quickly. I really love reading your blog and I hope things turn up for you soon. No real advice here, but I have confidence you'll figure things out. You are a smart, tough cookie! Hilary in MO
ReplyDeleteWhen I was pregnant with our daughter, I was working full time, while my husband was a doctoral student, applying for residencies around the country. I had a hell of a pregnancy - full of angst and complications. The uncertainty of where we would end up, what I would do for work, WHY we thought having a baby in the midst of it all would be a good idea and how we would support our growing family was just... a lot. I am someone who likes organization, plans, lists, goals, and control. I very much like to feel as if I am in control of my own little world...
ReplyDeleteI know that you do not post about religion, etc., but you have posted about going to church, so I know you have some belief structure... what I have learned is that these are the times when I need to learn to just surrender, which is SO hard for me. My tendency is definitely to try to take control of my situation... but when I have no control, and things are spiraling, one of the most freeing things to do is just raise up my hands with a, "All right, God, you win. I surrender. Do Your thing" kind of prayer. Of course, I have to pray that every 15 minutes, when my natural inclinations start to take over again... But sometimes, letting go and just surrendering is the best thing you can do.
(My husband got a residency in the area we were already living, and I could keep my job. We had our healthy baby girl, he earned his doctorate, was hired at the same place where he did his residency, and things are good. Everything worked out.)
I really understand where you're at right now, except for the main breadwinner part. My husband is the main source of income in our house, and last year he was offered his dream job - well, a good position on the career ladder to his dream job. He took the job, turned in his notice, and on his last day of work at his old job, the new company called and rescinded the offer. We were devastated. It was the first week of December and I had the vast majority of Christmas decorations and presents in the trunk of my car. I started calculating how many months we could live off of my salary before we couldn't pay the mortgage anymore. I didn't put up any of the new Christmas stuff and I didn't wrap any presents, because what if we couldn't afford them? I just kept everything in the car with the receipts! He asked if he could have his job back with Old Company and they said no. So, he started applying everywhere. By the end of the 1st week of unemployment, Old Company gave him back his old job (minus his end of the year bonus), and he took it. Three weeks after Christmas, job offers started coming in from the applications he had put in during his week of unemployment. Six months later, his REAL dream job was offered to him and he took it.
ReplyDeleteGood things can come of this. In the meantime, keep in mind that just because JP doesn't have his dream job (or even a good job) doesn't mean he can't earn money. He is smart, driven, and a hardworker. And hey, if he enjoyed playing with the chainsaw, then maybe he can go out do that as a side business to keep himself occupied!
So sorry that you guys have to go through this. Back in August 2008, my husband and I got back from our babymoon to Hawaii on a redeye to LA. He went in to work that morning and by 10am he was home. In just 3 hours at the office, he found out he had failed the CFA exam, was laid off and packed up his stuff and left. I was five months pregnant and about to start my second year of law school. I couldn't even be worried about our finances or anything because he was already so stressed and defeated about it. A week later, he had a contract job that turned into a great full time job a few months later. There were several months where we were afraid to spend anything on anything, but we came out of it relatively unscathed. Everyone says things work out and you'll be fine. It's hard to believe it when you're in the position you are in and it becomes easy to point out to yourself the differences in the situations which might lead to different results this time. But really, everything will work out. And I realize that's half the battle...not trying to discount the awfulness of having to go through it all, for you or JP. I'll keep my fingers crossed that he finds something much better than before very soon.
ReplyDeleteAnother "it happened to me, too story": my hubby lost his job right when our youngest was starting kindergarten at a private school. Hubby got another job in 4 weeks and that job led to a great job, one that he was at for years and years. KEEP THE FAITH. You have your health, your brain, your beautiful family, and you are both capable, resourceful people.
ReplyDeleteI've never been in your position, but my family certainly deals with the realities of a smaller than expected income. When I start to freak out about anything money related, I remind myself to focus on what is real. I hold my husband's hand, I hug my daughter close to me, and I know that those are the things that are real, tangible and important. Everything else can be worked out, as long as the important things are still around you and still in your life.
ReplyDeleteThe right thing to do is to allow yourself time to grieve for the life that you thought you were having.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think the thing about change is that we love change when we are the ones leading the change. No one likes change imposed upon them.
Be good to yourself. That's one of the best things you can probably do for JP.
I'm so sorry. I know that has to be so hard.
ReplyDeleteWhat happened with the Swim School? I know something happened - like a partner backed out - but could JP do it on his own? He seemed to really like it, to be good at it and it was so flexible with your schedules.
I've been reading from the beginning, but lurking from the Reader for years now. I don't know that I have any new wisdom to add, but I can send a big cheesy internet hug to you and your family and echo what everyone else has said - it's going to be okay. No, actually, it is not just GOING to be okay, it IS okay. Today, you have each other and you are all healthy. Today, you have food to eat. Today, you have a roof over your head and don't have to worry for your children's safety. JP could get his true dream job tomorrow, with a flexible schedule, ten minute commute, and salary three times yours (or whatever his dream is). Spend as much energy as you can focusing on today!
ReplyDeleteJob-hunting is a mindf*ck. I'm doing it right now, too, and I hate it, hate it, hate it. But the biggest thing is just keeping one's head in the right place. I'm confident that JP will come out the other end just fine, and have said a prayer that the Next Thing will land in his lap tomorrow.
Chin up girlfriend, I echo everyone's sentiments, it seems tough right now but it will get better my friend.
ReplyDeletexo
I'm sorry. This just sucks. Suckity big balls suck. Thinking of you and JP and wishing you much solace, peace and luck.
ReplyDeleteAsh
Chin up LL. Thinking of you. Seriously, sometimes life seems to kick us in the pants but I bet JP will find something he loves soon and maybe it'll be even better than the job he lost.
ReplyDeleteOne problem with a larger company having such large layoffs is that everyone is then applying for jobs in the same local market, with resumes and leads through the same agency, etc. It is really hard to stand out in that kind of an environment. The fact that JP is not in Austin may actually help him find a job more quickly.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up about not leaping right up with a plan and a grin. Unemployment is such a long and draining battle, and ideally would come with the reward of many years of solid work. I'm so sorry you and JP are going through it again - it is hard to switch lanes when you're so committed and happy in the lane you're in.
ReplyDeleteThe jobs sector is growing, and I really think that with his recent experience and the contacts he made there, JP will be in a great position to find something else. You are all going to be ok.
Like everyone has said, it sucks and it will all work out. It always does! Of course, it still hurts and it's still stressful...so take a deep breath - let it out - and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
ReplyDeleteDelurking to send hugs. I found out today that the job I've had for 9 years at a public institution is being privatized. We have jobs through April. We have 3 children (a 5yo & twin 16mos). I only work part time, but I carry the health insurance. My husbands job won't support the family once health care is taken out. It is a surreal situation, which I will have to relive every day for the next 7 months (if I continue on). I don't even know what to think right now, but I have to have faith that things will workout...for all of us!
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your first post about this topic, I had to close it and leave my laptop. PTSD, I guess, with a lot of fear related to the current economy and the security of my own job. I have always been the main breadwinner by far, but when my husband has lost jobs (three layoffs, I think?), it puts us on the brink of financial issues that I can't even think about. My job has never been secure but I've always managed to hang on, but the economy and climate is so bad right now that I am constantly living in fear of a layoff, which would put us in trouble rather quickly. I don't have any great advice and I'm sorry for that, but I hope it helps to know that others know how you feel. I've been there and back several times. It is never easy and making it through the experience several times doesn't make it any less scary or easy if it happens again. It SUCKS! Keep your chin up. You're doing the best you can, and that's all you can do.
ReplyDeleteOh LL I am so sorry for all turmoil you are going through. Its hard, and I remember when DM went through things when we were engaged, and all I could do was hug him, how helpless I felt. I am praying for your sweet little family and keeping my fingers crossed all works out in the end.
ReplyDeleteYOU WILL get through this. So will your family. I know it's hard to believe in these types of moments, but keep the faith. Sending you lots of positive energy.
ReplyDelete