Now, Later, Before

I did a back of the envelope calculation today (back of the seminar handout to be exact) and found that by making strong, but realistic budget cuts we have 6 months before we reach a paying our mortgage-level financial crisis. The kids will move to part-time daycare on October 1 (already got approval from the director), JP will defer his MBA loans, and we will cut our discretionary spending by 50% (hard, but doable- down to only food, gas, and limited access to Target). There's room for deeper cuts if needed, including doing something with my loans, our cars, and eliminating daycare altogether, but we can hold off on any of that until at least January, I think. I cannot tell you how good that made me feel. Something out of plan will pop up, it always does- another tree will fall down, a car will stop working- but hopefully 6 months is a big overestimation of how long we need to stretch the severance anyway. It's all about contingencies. Until this contingency proves to be untenable, I'm taking comfort from it and am going to try very hard to stop staring into space. Which is good, because JP already got 3 rejection emails and I need to be the rock for the next few days. Last night was a low point, today I seem fully capable of hugging him and saying convincingly "I'm so sorry, but it's going to be okay." It's a big improvement from knowing he's hurting and wanting to run and hide under the covers by myself. It's a process, quite likely a circular one.

But as long as I'm in a forward portion of the circle, let's go back to happier times- the first day of school!

 

Why look at the camera when you can gaze adoringly at your big brother?

 

Landon got a special Sunday night fro yo treat for being so good while I was out of town and for helping his daddy do 6 hours of yard work on Saturday without complaint (seriously, he swept and picked up leaves and hauled wood until he was about to fall over). Claire did not get any because of a screaming incident during dinner, but she's smiling here because she thinks she can convince her brother to give her some.

 

Earlier in the day, Landon had his first soccer game! He is far more interested in the ball this time around, but still not so interest in scoring goals. JP remains baffled, but supportive.

 

Also on Saturday, Claire had her first dance class(and through all of these firsts my mind was reeling and desperately needing access to blogger). She was skeptical.

 

She refused her pink ballet dress, hair bows, tights, and ballet shoes. She deigned to wear a skirt- albeit a black and white striped one- and insisted on her beloved stained "bubblebee" shirt and hot pink cowboy boots. I was not allowed to leave the room like all the other moms and she was most insistent that she sit IN YOUR YAP MAMA.

 

She ventured to stand a few times, only to bolt back to my lap if I dared to move. Sitting cross-legged on a wood floor in skinny jeans and riding boots, feeling like some sort of ancient giant compared to the 10 toddlers and 4 high school age ballerinas, was not how I expected to spend that 45 minutes. I think she would have done much better had JP taken her and/or had I not spent the previous three days in NYC.

 

In the end, we decided to pull her out and wait until the Spring. She did seem to enjoy it (from a distance), and I'm certain that by class 2 or 3 she would have been running to join in, but I just couldn't bear the thought of an additional expense right in that moment and her hesitancy gave me the excuse to pull the chord. I'm just proud I managed to tell the office manager of my decision without bursting in to tears and launching into a monologue of the blog post that was about to pour forth from my fingers 45 minutes later. Small dignities.

For Claire's part, she jabbered the whole way home about how she "went dancin!" She did not, but hopefully in Spring she will. Or she won't and she can try something else. Who knows what we'll all be doing 6 months from now- and while I make no guarantees regarding my feelings 10 minutes from now when I go to bed and stare at the ceiling, but for this very moment, I'm mostly at peace with the uncertainty of it.