Appointments and Reflections

I had another perinatal appointment this morning. All is well - my NP was very pleased with the ultrasound results my OB sent over last week (the two offices work well together, it's nice) and congratulated me on my baby girl. I described baby #2's nursery to her as I got my shot (thanks to etsy.com and a very legally unproductive few days last week, I now have all the wall decor picked out too) and finished up my appointment with a renewed promise to look into prenatal yoga. It's annoying to have to drive over there every week, but it's probably good for me to sit down with someone for 20 minutes to talk about my week and my pregnancy. It's like therapy and prenatal health care all in one!

Everything with work is also good. My case is still full steam ahead for a March 1 trial, but it's a controlled steam and I love being so deeply involved in preparing one of the most famous litigators in our state for a jury trial. Several people have asked how it's been as a pregnant BigLaw associate, and as I found when I was a pregnant law student and then pregnant summer associate, it's just not that big of a deal. At least not in any negative way. Nearly everyone in my section has children, the majority of our associates are female, and since I interviewed here back in 2006, not one woman has failed to return from maternity leave. To me that says a lot about how female attorneys here feel they can balance their career and their family. Two of the last three women to make partner in our office have three children, so it's not a big black mark against you the way I've had friends describe in their firms. Of course these women are also brilliant and kick ass attorneys, so it's nice when that gets to matter more than the number of children you've birthed. (As a side note, both of those women have stay-at-home husbands; I'm not yet sure you can have that kind of career and that number of children without one stay home, or at least part-time working parent, but figure it's a puzzle I don't yet need to solve.)

This doesn't mean I don't worry about having a second child and being an attorney. I've worked hard and done well in my 17 months here. I've been rated in the highest possible category in my reviews and I'm always requested for work. I've done this with a toddler and never missed a dinner or bedtime (unless I'm traveling, which is usually rare). I like my cases and love the roles I've been able to carve for myself. From a career perspective, I don't like that I will be totally out of the loop for 3 months. Of course from a mommy perspective, I'm glad for it. (Another side note: we get 3 months paid maternity leave, an optional additional 3 months of unpaid FMLA leave, and/or 3 months to phase back in to full time by working 50%, 60%, and 70% for a month each, while being paid at 60%. Without knowing JP's job situation I plan to return full-time after 3 months. I would be only the second woman in my section not to take the full 9 months to come back to full-time and no one seems to believe I will actually come back after that little time off. And not that I'm not grateful for the option, but after Landon's babyhood, 3 months sounds like a very long time. I'm sure I'll talk more about that later.)

My biggest challenge right now is forcing myself to step back from (or at least stop volunteering for) things. And it's not hard so much because I'm afraid of retribution from my firm or the partners I work for, it's hard because I really do like what I do and I'm not sure how or what to slow down. It's not like I bill 200 hours a month on a regular basis. I feel like I already draw pretty bold lines between work and family time. And my biggest challenge is that I apparently can't tell when I'm stressed. I've always been busy- from high school as a varsity and US national swimmer taking 5 honors classes, to college with swimming, being a liberal arts honors program major and pre-med through my electives and working, to law school and a baby -- this is what I do. I'm happy. As I told the partner who sat down in my office last week after she heard about my worrisome perinatal appointment, closed the door, and said, "you have to help us know when you are doing too much." I really don't know what that is. I need a red warning light somewhere on my person. I feel like these cases are MY cases and I do not like the idea of being pushed away from them. I know everyone means well and the partner assured me, with an air of near annoyance, that my reputation will in no way suffer because I have a high risk pregnancy. The work will be here when I get back and people will want me to do it. But it's hard to feel like I'm giving up my place, even temporarily. How can it not matter, even a little, that I'm suddenly saying no to things?

These are just the things that float around in my head. In reality, I will of course do what I need to protect this pregnancy and my little girl. There is nothing that matters more than that. But it's easy to rank the priorities; it's harder to live them when you're not sure what you should be doing (or not doing) on a daily basis to make sure they're in proper order.

In the meantime, it turns out that 2 1/2 might be even more delightful than age 2, and I'm enjoying every single second I spend with Landon. I've also loved reading all your comments on the name post- thank you for making my blog such a fun community to be part of. I believe we have named our daughter (and by "we" I mean I, without objection from JP), though we're not ready to share it yet. I'm oddly pleased that it's not among your suggestions, lovely as they were, though her middle name is. I also need to post a pregnancy pic soon- my belly is now an entity unto itself and I finally look pregnant to all those who see me. So much better than that squishy in-between phase.