Little Moments and Sharing Joy

This will be quick as I'm headed to the airport in 20 minutes to fly to DC for 24 hours. Maggie is deeply distressed by my suitcase and is making a convincing argument that she could fit into the overhead bin or under the seat in front of me as my personal item. I think she'd be a real value-add to the criminal enforcement conference I'm attending, but sadly, she doesn't have an RSVP.

I've been feeling down lately. I don't know why- sometimes depression and anxiety make sense, mostly they don't. It's like feeling anything positive through a thick layer of foam and feeling anything negative with the force of 1,000 suns. You fight for the positive, but it's exhausting and it's easier to be sad. I have an ability to identify it now, which helps enormously. When sitting on the couch with James at night, silent and engaged in an internal passive aggressive war of moping and confused anger against absolutely no one, now, instead of finding something to pick at or inventing something to be mad, generally something with him, just so there's a target for this furious nothing inside me, I can simply turn to him and say, "I'm feeling sad right now." And he can say, "oh, I'm sorry about that," and scoot over and put his arm around me and just let me know I'm loved. It's quite a lot better for both of us.

But it's made me quieter. Here and really everywhere. But I have a moment of joy and positivity to share before I head out.

I taught my 3rd ever yoga class last night, subbing for an instructor at TCU who usually teaches immediately after my barre class. Teaching yoga remains utterly thrilling and absolutely terrifying for me. It is so different from barre and so very technical- I'm thinking a million things at once while trying to ensure my cues are calm and smooth and natural. I spent the weekend re-reviewing postures, making notes and building a sequence that flowed and built on itself, but it's SO MUCH to keep in my mind and then recall without notes in front of a crowd, and it's difficult to discern how everything is landing in the class, especially one I don't know.

But last night, when the class was over and I was all sweaty after teaching a double barre/yoga and full of doubts over things I could have done better and desperately hoping my 15 yoga students weren't disappointed by their substitute, one of the women walked up to me and said, "I just have to tell you, that was the best yoga flow class I've ever been to."

I nearly cried. I got choked up and then definitely said OH THANK YOU! way too enthusiastically in an otherwise quiet room. It just means SO much when someone takes the time to say whatever nice thing they might be thinking. My stream of negative self-talk is as loud as it is constant and it's amazing what the words of a total stranger can do to pause it for a little while. What to her was a simple and honest comment was a powerful source of validation to me in doing something that is scary and vulnerable and that I love so much.

It was also an important reminder to always share the compliments I think to others. So often I think something kind and then just let it pass through my mind and I don't know why- it's such a missed opportunity, particularly since sharing joy always brings me joy as well. And so I'm committed to give voice to the kindness, to be a joy bringer, because I know how powerfully and positively another's words can impact me.