Lawyer High

I spent 18 of the last 30 hours in Washington, DC. I love that city at all times (much like I love any city at any time), but in Spring it is particularly glorious. As I walked past the embassies on Massachusetts Ave. and through Dupont Circle to meet a friend for dinner, I was treated to bright blue skies, flowers exploding everywhere, and temperatures at a balmy 65-70 (15 degrees warmer than Fort Worth).

I was there to give a presentation to about 25 people far more important than me from different divisions all over the SEC regarding my biggest case. It was a big deal. I enjoy presentations and public speaking and I've been pushing this particular issue for months now, so I was excited to go, but my wardrobe constraints did give me pause when I was packing Monday night. My 1 inch baby and its penchant for hamburgers and sandwiches has given me enough of a belly to make it impossible to button my usual tailored work pants. However, I have not yet filled out enough to keep up my maternity pants. I hate the Bella band- I know it is secure, but I can't handle standing in front of a room of 25 men knowing my pants are unzipped and unbuttoned with only a stretch of black spandex holding them up against the weight of gravity and my belly. Luckily, my favorite navy blue knit work dress was still zippable, small size notwithstanding, and the criss-crossing of the bust line actually concealed my pregnancy very well. At least until I turned to the side.

baby!

The presentation went well. Very well, actually. The second highest ranking person in my whole work universe "stopped in" and ended up canceling meetings for the rest of the morning to stay until the end and asked a lot of detailed questions. He sent a very nice note to my boss's boss's boss, who forwarded it to me, about the presentation and the case and after 10 months of work, it gave me a huge smile to see, even through the blinding headache I get every time I fly in a plane. A headache not helped by my inability to sleep in hotel rooms which has reached acute levels- I was awake until at least 3:45 this morning, slept fitfully until 6:30, when I just gave up, got dressed, and went on with the day. I love traveling, it seems cruel that my body handles it so poorly.

Anyway, as I was standing up, walking through my power point and answering arcane accounting questions regarding the unusual and complex structured transaction, I had three thoughts: (1) who would have thought my Plan II degree/philosophy and biology degree would ever take here?; (2) this is why I love being a litigator- working for months to become an expert in something you'd never heard about before and will discard once your case is over, only to do it again immediately on the next one; and (3) this feeling- this high from talking to a group of smart, engaged people about something I've put so much time and effort into, and having fun while doing it, this is why I can't ever imagine not working. These moments may only come every few months, but I can stay high on them forever. I love being JP's wife and Landon and Claire's mother, and I get an enormous amount of satisfaction from both of those roles. They are part of my definition of myself and they are undoubtedly a big part of my foundational happiness. But, and I had a moment where I felt this to my core in the middle of the presentation, they can't give me this. This feeling of intellectual competence, of professional satisfaction, of just being a lawyer- and I get a lot from that too. I crave it and I need it and I would be a less happy person without it.

I don't think I've been having any particular career/mom uncertainty in recent weeks. My two worlds seem to exist peacefully these days, now that there's a bright line between them (which has been interesting from a work/life balance perspective, since at the firm what worked best was just blending the two together as closely as possible), but I welcome moments of clarity and try file them away. Moments after the meeting ended and I shook some more hands and made just enough small talk not to seem rude, I ran out of the office, 3 1/2" heels, suitcase, and all, to bypass the Union Station cab line and hail a taxi few streets away. I had a 1:40 flight out, a mere 18 hours after arriving, so I could get home in time to pick up the kids from school. After a nice 3.5 hours of reading on the plane (finally read Divergent- so good! starting on #2 tonight even though I should go to bed), I drove to school to collect a Clairebear so excited she could only scream "Mama!!" over and over when she saw me and a Lanman who had missed me enough to offer to share his daily sticker for good behavior. And so my world clicked back over again, but the high from the legal one lingered remained, even as I switched out my dress for pj pants and my heels for fuzzy crocs I won't actually admit to wearing. It's a good day when it all comes together.