Scattered

I've tried to write something over the past two days, but my thoughts seemed too scattered. My emotions are too, which I'm not used to, and I think that's making it hard for me to write about any one thing- something super upbeat seems false, but something depressing does too. I'm bouncing around somewhere in the middle- little things are bothering me, but overall things are good, so we're going with bullet points of thought:

• JP has decided he likes that Hoarders TV show on A&E. I can't handle it. He was watching it last night while I was turned around, cuddling into his shoulder finishing up a book (my 4th this week, my reading addiction has ramped up lately), but I couldn't focus. The little glimpses I got off the TV made me feel so dirty and disorganized and sad that I couldn't even kiss him when he tried to during a commercial. Compulsive hoarding is clearly a mental disorder, so the disgust I feel isn't for the people, it's the situation, and the children and pets so often involved. JP finally turned it off when he saw I really wasn't going to touch him until he did, and even then it took me a few minutes to shake it off.

• Clairebear is teething. She was up three times last night crying with both fists shoved in her mouth. JP got up all three times and I could hear him singing "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" through the monitor. When I tried to get up the third time, around 4:30 a.m., he just kissed me on my shoulder and said, "you have to work in the morning." It's the little things that keep you falling in love over again. I don't think I ever said that to him when it was Landon and he was the one working.

• Remember when I wrote about my upcoming maternity leave and how I didn't think I wanted the extra time or the phase in? Turns out I do. I can't have it- not without creating credit card debt we've never had, suspending payments on loans I want gone as soon as possible, and being stressed out about money every single day I'm not being paid, so I've come to terms with it, but I just thought I'd throw that out there.

• I've been dreaming about the DCFS nightmare. I don't know why, there's nothing to spark it except maybe the fact that Claire is now the same age Landon was when it happened (actually, she's a month older). In my dreams I wake up before we reach any kind of resolution, so I'm just suspended in a horror I can't turn off at 3 a.m. and I have to sternly remind myself that everything worked out fine. But the "what ifs" are haunting if you let them get out of control.

• Dreaming about it has made me wonder if we'll ever tell Landon what happened. I assumed we would. I'm not big on family secrets and since a few thousand other people know, it's odd that he wouldn't. It's also in my blog, which he could certainly read one day. But at the same time, what's to serve by telling it? He doesn't remember; it's not a part of our life now. And it's scary. Even at the age I am now I think I'd be upset to find out my parents went through that, that it can happen, that it happened to me. So I don't know. If we ever did, it wouldn't be a sit down blow-by-blow discussion. Maybe just a brief overview, probably glossing over the shelter time, to explain the occasional veiled reference to it by us or someone else.

• I'm 8 lbs. away from my pre-baby weight. To celebrate I ate a big piece of cookie cake with JP last night. All 8 lbs. must be squarely in my stomach because my top and bottom halves appear back to normal, yet my old jeans seem eons away from fitting.

• I forgot to mention that I finished my FAQs. I'll add more as I get new questions.

I feel better for getting all of that down, now it's back to work. I packed my lunch today and feel very proud of myself. Happy Tuesday to you all!