High Risk

I was going to write a nice post about my date with JP last night, and how in the middle of dinner I suddenly felt a surge of pride that we've been together for 8 1/2 years and have found a way to thrive after some very difficult times. Here we are at 26 and 28, homeowners, financially secure, nearly through two separate rounds of graduate school which we're paying for ourselves, and the proud parents of one very happy little boy. And when it seems like everyone we know has a grandparent they can call up whenever they need a little extra help, we did just about all that on our own. I looked at JP and said "I'm proud of us" even though it felt a little silly to say, and I really was. And I was so happy about how much I still love just talking to him and how much we make each other laugh. It was a fun evening.

But this morning I had my second pre-term prevention appointment to start my progesterone shots. As will be the routine, I started out sitting at a little table in the exam room to chat with my nurse practitioner. She was glad to hear my trial had moved up, glad that I had committed to my prenatal massages, and again strongly encouraged the prenatal yoga which I'm going to make myself do even though I hate yoga and all things involving stretching because I am the most inflexible person on the planet (ironically, something that could be improved if I would just stretch).

Anyway, and this is about to venture into TMI territory but it's too much a part of my next 6 months not to discuss, I mentioned that I had some - well kind of a lot of - bleeding during sex on Sunday. I said it quickly, hoping it would not be a big deal, but the look on her face quickly abused me of that notion. It's definitely a deal, probably a big one, and means NO sex until after the baby is born. In June. IN FIVE MONTHS. And then there's those recovery weeks immediately thereafter... I can't drink, my waist is gone, I can't take the good drugs for my headaches, I lose many a fun weekend afternoon with Landon to naps -- and now my sex life is gone as well. That hypothetical third child is starting to look a little hazy...

And of course most worrying of all is how concerned my NP was. I got my shot and she did an exam and said everything seems fine, but I need to continue to try to take it easy. I left upset about the mandatory celibacy but otherwise okay. How bad could it be? The bleeding had stopped on its own, I had no cramping, and now I wasn't going to be doing the thing that caused it. But then my OB called this afternoon to say that my NP called her with concerns and to see if she agreed that we should move up my ultrasound currently scheduled for Friday. My OB agreed and asked me to come in at 8:30 tomorrow morning.

I'm excited to find out the sex a few days early, but I'm stressed about my doctors' obvious worry. It's a good thing, of course, to have a team of medical professionals I like and trust looking out for me like this, it's just that my appointments with them and their reactions to things stress me out far more than anything else in my life. And that's ironic since the whole goal with this pregnancy is to reduce my stress. Part of the problem is that I don't find my life stressful. I like it and I'm happy nearly all of the time. I understand that I need to step back and that nothing is more important than a healthy baby, but I feel fine and that makes it very hard to know when I'm pushing things. As I've also said, I like what I do and find my average work days enjoyable, so again, it's hard to draw lines when I don't know what my body apparently finds to be too much since my mind thinks everything is great. I'm sure I'll get a few more guidelines on that during my OB visit tomorrow.

An important side note is that the baby is absolutely fine. I listened to the strong, steady heart beat this morning and can feel him/her kick around in my belly frequently throughout the day. The concern is that something is happening with my cervix or the placenta to cause this bleeding and that's what they want to look at in the ultrasound tomorrow.

I also had a whole post to write on my thoughts about having a boy or a girl but I thought I had until Friday to do it. For the record I really want a boy, though I'll also be thrilled with a girl. I'm very glad the choice is out of my hands. I've always pictured our family as consisting of two boys and then a girl. I know that if I find out I'm carrying a little girl tomorrow, I'll be so happy for her, but still so sad for the little boy I spent 20 weeks thinking was in there. I don't think the fact that he might never have existed at all will stop me from mourning him, even as I celebrate the news of Landon's little sister.

I'll keep you posted.