Mondays are so much harder after a 3-day weekend. Last night I lay awake thinking about how wonderful it was to spend three full days with just Landon and JP and how much time I miss with them during the week. I let my mind roam over the idea of what it would be like to not work, to have this free family time. I started to wonder what I want in my career and what I'm willing to sacrifice to get it. And then I fell asleep, woke up at 7 a.m., and started our usual Monday morning routine without a second thought.
And that's how it usually goes. Most of the time I love everything about my life, but every now and then, usually at night, I wonder what I'm doing and where I'm going and whether it's the right path for my family. Sometimes this comes as a mini "what if" session, a chance to play out different scenarios in my mind. Other times it turns into a near panic attack over what on earth am I doing- do I like being a lawyer? do I want to be a lawyer forever? what do I want to do with the law? I invested 3 years and $150,000 becoming a lawyer, I damn well better like it! but oh my God Landon is growing up so fast and I'm missing parts of it and what if that's not okay and oh holy shit JP WAKE UP! And then we talk and my head stops spinning and we reach conclusions like "yes, I like what I'm doing" and "no, you don't have to know your life-long career goals right now at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday" and "yes, you have to work because we're grownups with a mortgage and need for health insurance." And then I feel better- after all, why freak out over options that don't currently exist?
But I do wonder -- when JP is making money or when we've paid down my law school debt, what do I want? I know that I want to work- but it's more than that, I want a career. I want this time spent away from my family to matter- both to me and to others and I want something to continue building when my children leave home. I want to use my education and the talents God gave me. But at what? I don't think I want to be a law firm partner. I don't care enough about the money or the prestige to make it worth the trade-off in family and free time. But I don't want to do contract work or be on my own- I like being part of something bigger and I have absolutely zero entrepreneurial ambition (quite the opposite, the mere idea of risk or being on my own is terrifying). I'm also not interested in a smaller firm- it doesn't seem like the hours are sufficiently better for the decrease in pay (and the increase in the amount of control any one partner can have over your life). There's aspects of working for the government or public interest that I like and right now, that's the shape my nebulous vision of the future takes in my late night thought sessions.
So I have no idea what my long-term goals are. I've always been a very goal oriented person - from graduating high school, to college, to law school, there was a clear path. And now there's no path. Usually this is fine- I wake up, go to work, do the best job I can and come home. But it's strange to not know what I want from it or what I'm working for. Especially when whatever it is that I'm working for is what keeps me from spending every waking second with this guy:
And if I'm not going to be with him every second, shouldn't those seconds matter? I can talk myself in a circle every time because a career is a hard thing to have on your own terms. Even if we didn't need the money, I would want to work and I would have to accept the time commitments and sacrifices that come with it. You need to do a good job for your clients whether you need them to pay their bills or not. There was a superstar associate at our firm who quit after having her second baby to go do contract work. Her words were "I need a job, not a career." I can understand that, on some days very, very well, but if I'm going to be spending that time away from my family, I think I want it to be more than just a job.
A summer associate commented yesterday on how envious she was at my perceived ability to balance everything and seem so happy and certain about my life. I started laughing, telling her that I just had a mini crisis on the phone with JP, asking him him when he thought I'd have the option of quitting my job just in case I ever wanted it. So I am far from certain about any of these things and against my better judgment, I'm publishing this rambling, insomnia-fueled post to prove it. I'd say that 90% of the time I simply feel lucky that I like what I do and who I work with. I have enjoyed far greater flexibility and job satisfaction than I ever expected in my first year at a Big Law firm. I thank God that I have a kid who loves daycare and never gets sick, and a husband with a flexible schedule and egalitarian view of parenting and housework. But sometimes I wonder what I'm working for, wonder if I'll think it's worth it ten and twenty years from now, wonder where I'm going, just wonder...
I love this post. I turned to my boyfriend and commented, "I'm glad I'm not alone in my looney tune freak out moments of ohmigod-do-I-really-want-to-be-a-lawyer??!!"
ReplyDeleteIt's just so hard to remember that other people have freak out moments too, particularly when you're freaking out and you're convinced you're the ONLY ONE.
Wow. I have the same exact feelings. My hubby and I were driving around looking at houses we can't afford and it struck me that I work in biglaw and could become a millionaire if I wanted to. I just don't think being a partner is the life for me. That said, is it fair for me not to continue and make money for my family when I can? I'm sure people that clean houses or work at a fast food restaurant don't love their job every day. Why should I be so special that I have to love what I do even if that means I will provide less for my family over the long term?
ReplyDeleteI see myself paying down my student loans, then either going out on my own or going part-time at a firm. Not necessarily because I feel like I'm missing out on important moments of my child's life. More like I'm incredibly lazy and would like to sleep more. And do other things like read books and watch movies. And sleep. I just want enough money to pay my bills, kids' college, food and alcohol, and the occasional vacation.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you have to work yourself to death to have a career. If you feel passionate about what you do, even if it's part-time, that's what a career's all about.
I'm feeling a lot of the same things this week as I begin a totally different kind of lawyering than I've ever done before after 14 months home with my son. I tell myself that it's not fair to either one of us if I never take my shot.
ReplyDeleteFor me, having kids totally screwed up the balance I thought it would be so easy to achieve. I never wanted to SAH in my wildest dreams, but after I had my firs son, I entertained the idea. I had both of my kids while getting my PhD, so I was home with them a ton and had lots of flexibility, but I have always been working. I am about to start my first official job, and I have no regrets. I think I understand just what you're saying in this post, and wanted to tell you I am there, too.
ReplyDeleteI have the same panic attacks and I have no job! Just like you imagine a life outside of work, I imagine a life outside of home. I am glad you are happy with your arrangement 90% of the time. It sounds like a good situation.
ReplyDeleteI think the sign of an intelligent, forward-thinking person is somone who is consistently questionsing and pondering the direction of his/her life. I go through these mental meanderings, too. Regardless if one is working outside or inside the home, we all want our lives to matter. :-) Also, I know someone who works in the government sector doing law stuff - you may want to pick her brain sometime. I will pass along her info - you have already heard of her, she is a blogger.
ReplyDeleteTrust me if you were at home full time you would still have those 2 a.m. moments. I worry about what I will do in 6 years when my secon child goes off to school and I haven't worked in 7 years. I still have days where I miss doing something besides changing dirty diapers and picking up toys. You just have to go with the option that works best for you now. The future will work itself out.
ReplyDeleteI think what you're feeling is very common. I mean, I feel that way all the time. I think I worked so hard in high school to be successful, so hard in college to make good grades and get a job, I have a job... now what?? I am always wondering if I should get my Masters or wait and do it later or not do it at all or have kids soon or wait and do it later and do my Masters now.... it never ends!! So I'm "working on" being satisfied and just focusing on my life right nwo in the present.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate this post. Thought provoking to say the very least.
ReplyDeleteI regularly have these mini-panics. Just know that you are not alone at all. I think there is a reason why there are so few female partners and the ones that are partner generally (1) have kids later in life or (2) don't have them at all. The mommy instinct is strong and the things that seemed important before babies become less important when compared to family life. What I try to do is not think about it and go with the flow. There is plenty of time to figure out where you want your career to go and there are a lot of options outside of biglaw. At least for me, I think I either want to go to a government agency or become counsel. I don't think I want to be partner, but who knows what will happen! In the meantime, my job makes me happy about 75% of the time with the remaining 25% wishing I had never heard of law school or women's lib.
ReplyDeleteI think we all fantasize about alternative careers after the law (or whatever it might be. There is a sense that I can't do this forever. Re: Business ventures I always say that I am risk averse- apparently risk averse people make the best lawyers!!This post mirrors so many people's thoughts- I think it is just the society we live in and as a result we are always wondering whether we are making the right balancing choices and whether we will regret it. I believe you would wonder whether it was the correct balance even if you were to stay at home for example
ReplyDeletemy aunt just became a federal circuit judge in Maryland a few months ago and she is loving the new 9-5, leave-your-work-at-work lifestyle after prosecuting murders and rapists for 20+ years and working overtime all the time. but she's in her 50's and only now able to have a personal life. too bad you cant be a judge in your 20's with a husband and young children. oh how life is backwards sometimes.
ReplyDeleteAs a first year biglaw associate in Houston (married and looking forward to kids, although not quite yet) you took the words right out of my mouth!
ReplyDeletePosts like these are the reason I read your blog. Thanks. I have this crisis all the time, but I, too, have no choice at the moment. I will admit that I'm envious of the amount of money you make. You should feel excellent about how you are providing for your family.
ReplyDeleteDorky practical post: I'm also not used to having a set plan, although my options are a little more set in that I could name four or five quite specific types of private or public sector jobs I could head toward. But being married to someone with a hometown on the opposite coast as mine has forced us to at least sketch out future arcs, complete with location. That's something that might help you, too, in talking to JP and imagining Landon and Kid #2's childhood. Do you think you want to live in and practice in Texas forever? Federal government jobs have good pay and hours, but they barely exist in TX outside of the USAO and the SEC. Nonprofit and state government is a different financial world that, since you like planning obsessively (like me), maybe you could take into account in your planning so that if a great opportunity comes up in several years, you could jump into it.
ReplyDeleteThree-day weekends make me reconsider having a job at all, and I don't even have any kids!! Too bad laying around my house doing nothing doesn't pay better.
ReplyDeleteHow would you feel about MILPs LLP?
ReplyDeleteJust a nickel's worth of free advice-- I am a mom and lawyer working full time and have for 15+ yrs. Staying home is easier-- end of story. I don't think you are missing out just because you are at work. I always considered my child's first step to be the first one I saw. I must say my peers miss plenty when they hire sitters to play tennis, shop, salon and lunch. It does not get easier when the kids get older-- in fact I spent this am at a swim meet. As a former college swimmer I want nothing more than to give my kids the same summers I have. It comes with a cost. I had to a day of vacation which I will need to make up the work on cases later. You need to do what feels right. As a mom you already realize that work does not define you. But please (my experience talking) do not be frank about these thoughts with your fellow lawyers at the firm. It is used against you 83.6% of the time. I say that with a degree of scientific certainty. You have not been in the firm long enough to identify someone you can really trust. The ones that stand out as trustworthy are usually not. Sorry to be negative-- but have learned at the Academy of Hard Knocks and just trying to be helpful. Good luck with the juggle-- it is hard but worth it!
ReplyDeleteI also recommend public sector work-- remember there is federal, state, county and city work, as well as all those regulatory agencies. No one is hiring right now, at least here in CA where anyone employed is just trying to hold on as they are cut 10% here and 20% there, and furloughed 1 to 3 days a month.
ReplyDeleteI mostly worked 50 to 60 hours per week, with the ability to make up those hours that I needed to take off for Mom's Muffin Morning, orthodontist appointments, or the Halloween Parade. I know you are just out of school, but I found tremendous discrimination in the private sector between 27 and about 35. I lost count of how many people asked me about my childbearing plans (I claimed infertility!) Now in my 50's, unless someone wants my specialized experience, I pretty much have to forget about private sector-- at any salary!)
You won't get rich in the public sector (although if you work for a regulatory agency for 3-5 years or so, there is good money in a private firm that represents clients against that agency...) I DID get to see more of my kids growing up than I would have in biglaw...but now that I'm home temporarily and my kids are pretty much grown, I realize how much I missed with them. Sigh. (Cue "Cat's in the Cradle" now.)
I think you've got a pretty good balance. Conventional wisdom out here is that biglaw "lets" you have one kid without questioning your dedication to the firm. But in a few years, you may be ready to move on to another firm or to another type of practice before Landon has a sibling.
Oh--I strongly agree with the above poster's comments on not trusting too quickly. Some of those illegal childbearing questions came at informal lunches with near-peers when I worked as a summer associate at a biglaw firm.
Oh yeah - I have those moments too regularly.
ReplyDeleteI always wonder about whether I will have these feelings when I have children. I'm in mid-law, but on a 'national' type level so the hours and pay are pretty much exactly the same. My husband and I have always looked at work as a means to an end - we do NOT want to work until we are 80 just so we can have the fifth house in Europe and a yacht. We want to retire ASAP! So if that means working hard now, and still living a very reasonable lifestyle, that's what we want to do. But, once we have kids, who knows how that will change? I've never wanted to be a SAHM or even close to it, but I always wonder if that is going to change once I actually have a child!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I've mentioned this before too - agree with Anonymous above about people at work finding out about your thoughts. I am 99% knowing you were having these thoughts would affect your treatment at work. And not to sound like a stalker, but I could guess what firm you work for just based on location/size and other comments. Just be careful, it would definitely suck to have your career affected by innocent musings on your blog!
R., on thoughts about career affecting people's view of you at work: based on my BigLaw experience, the very fact that I had 2 kids was enough for people to question my dedication to my career. I never expressed doubts and feelings. I elected a part time schedule at a prestigious BigLaw firm and I was discriminated against. I didn't get the same work as others, I was told to get my priorities in order, and I was treated like I didn't deserve to do anything beyond doc review. Initially, I was told that part time would be ok, I wouldn't get off of partner track, etc. However, when push came to shove, by attempting to stick to my part time schedule, I was branded as lazy or difficult to work with - mostly by other women, not by men. Unfortunately, BigLaw can be like that and there is very little you can do about it. I'm now full time at MidLaw and much happier. The money is the same (not counting bonus), but the work is more interesting, my hours not much different from part time at BigLaw (i.e. 1800 hours), and my commitment to my career has not been questioned thus far. I don't want to post my initials but if you want to know who I am, here's a hint - we went to the same law school, but I graduated before you. ;)
ReplyDeleteNot a lawyer, but I am a Woman with A Career that I absolutely love. I'm a very goal-oriented person: I always want to know what's next, where will I go? And what will I accomplish? Etc etc. Like you, I struggle to let go of some of the planning, the flow charts, the emotional temperature taking, the "If A, then B..." scenarios.
ReplyDeleteBut- to quote the great John Lennon- "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." It seems trite to delurk to say, "Live in the moment! Enjoy your present! The future will take care of itself!"
While that's sort of what I'm saying, even more than that... I try to challenge myself when I start ruminating and mulling and What-If ing all over the place. My challenge is, "How good can I let it get? How happy can I be with where I am without trying to steer all the time? How much can I just enjoy what I've got right now?" And then some answers to the other stuff just kind of works itself out.
You are so happy with Landon and JP; it shines through with every post. :) I know it's hard in the middle of the night when your brain is quiet and the What-Ifs bust out like a midnight touch football league. Just take a deep breath and ask yourself, "How good can I let it get?"
I'm in the midst of this struggle right now. I had my first child in Feb, and I am returning to work next month. I'm dreading it! I never thought I'd want to be a SAHM, but after spending the past 5 mos with my precious daughter, it guts me to think of how much I'll miss in her early months and years. I WANT TO STAY HOME NOW!!! I know a child's needs change continually, and I've heard many people say that the time to be home is when they're older and involved in activities, but I think this stage is so crucial because I want to shape her into the young girl I want her to be. I don't think a daycare can impart our values to her, and I don't think a few hours per day on my part will do. BUT...I have to go back to work for now. I, too, have hefty law school debt and Big Law salaries make life so much easier financially.
ReplyDeleteI just don't want to look back on life in a few years and feel bitter that I didn't put my career on hold for the sake of my daughter. I often wonder if going in-house or working for the gov't will mean more time at home. While I think it will, I also like the flexibility working for Big Law allows (e.g., being able to work from home, leaving early and making up hours in the evening, etc). However, I hate the stress of the billable hour. Sigh.
Sorry to ramble. I just wanted you to know that I can relate. I wish I had the answer for both of us.