Friday is Landon's last day in Maya's daycare. Despite predictions to the contrary, I didn't cry when I dropped him off on his first day, but I'm certain I'm going to cry on his last. Maya has truly become part of our family and we are all going to miss her very much.
I know there are heated discussions taking place in message boards and play groups all over the country (world?) about staying home vs. working, and it seems that daycare and "letting someone else raise your child" is central to the argument of those against moms in the work force. Here's an actual example of a particularly passionate comment: "Unless you're about to starve there is no reason for you to be at work. If you didn't want to raise your children, you should not have had them. It's child abandonment." Obviously, I think that's nonsense and I have little respect for the intelligence of someone who views the world in such black and white terms. And I'm comfortable enough with my decision (really our decision) to leave our son in the care of another for part of the day to respond with little more than an eye roll and a sigh. Parenting does not take place solely between the hours of 9 and 5, and I truly believe that Landon has benefited from his daycare (and that benefit is separate from that of having a happier mom). I think kids have an unlimited amount of love to give and the fact that Landon loves Maya, as I know he does, does not mean he has less love for me. And the fact that he gives her a big smile when she opens the door doesn't lessen the big smile he has for me when I pick him up. She has loved him, cared for him, and worried for him for 9 months and I refuse to believe that any care besides a parent's is unworthy or unimportant.
So now, how do we say goodbye to this woman who has played such a big role in Landon's life? What can we give her to say thank you for patiently caring for a baby that not only had acid reflux and ear infections, but also made her shut down her daycare and take a lie detector test? After much thought, I've finally settled on buying something for her babies. I wanted to get something for her, but I couldn't think of anything that wouldn't just add clutter to her small apartment and private life. She mentioned this morning that some of her toys were getting old and I hope that by buying her a few new ones she will have a little extra money to spend on herself however she wishes. This morning I carefully picked out four of Landon's very favorite things. I hope that her future babies enjoy them as much as he does, and I hope that she will think of him when they do. A few of the toys, like the peacock and the clutch cube, have kept him entertained for up to an hour at a time and I figure that's probably the best gift you can give a daycare provider!
I know Maya will miss her "good boy" (I can't imagine how he got that name, given his first few months in her care), but we've promised to keep in touch with pictures and emails. She said she still gets pictures of babies she watched 15-20 years ago. She has been a blessing for our family and I hope that our next daycare arrangement works out as well as this one.
I agree that you can be a great parent and still work and leave your child in someone else's care. However, I cannot come to the point where I can do that myself. Of course, I don't have a problem leaving my daughter with her father (my husband) (which is what I am doing this year, as a 3L) or with my mother or other close family (none of whom live close by me). But I know that daycare can not provide my daughter with the type of undvided attention and care that I do, and that is why I feel guilty. I would also be wondering about what she was doing when I was gone. I do want to have a career though (especially after working so hard to earn my degrees), so I have to figure this out somehow! I do appreciate listening to others' experiences.
ReplyDeleteI am clearly on the working mom side of things, so I agree with you. It's not as if women are just dumping their babies off with a different stranger every day and not ensuring that their child is in a loving environment. Heck, most nannies and daycare providers are probably way more equipped to deal with children than I am! They often have children themselves, advanced degrees in childcare and have seen almost everything. They probably also have cleaner backgrounds and better references than most family members.
ReplyDeleteI think giving Maya some toys is a fabulous idea! She will be so thankful for that. And I'm sure keeping in touch with her will be a gift as well. Landon sure will miss his lady babies. You will have to take him to the baby pool lots in Texas so that he can show off for some new ladies down there. :-)
aw you are so thoughtful!
ReplyDeleteWhat a nice idea! I'm sure it will be very much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteBefore I had a child in grad school I was in the no daycare camp myself. But then Charlie ended up in daycare every day starting around 11 weeks old. We were lucky to have wonderful, loving caregivers just like you guys had and it has been such a good experience for all of us. Daycare is just one of many parenting decisions we make, not the absence of parenting.
I totally agree with the benefit you mention of "a happier mom" to add to the benefits he will get from daycare. I know that, no matter how much I will love my kids, I need adult and intellectual stimulation in addition to family love to be a complete / happy person, at least for now. You'll also be setting a good example for Landon by being an intelligent, successful and loving mother.
ReplyDeleteIt will be hard for me next spring to figure out what to do for childcare while I have classes (and then studying for the bar) with a young baby. I probably won't have any help from family, so it will have to be some sort of daycare or nanny. Any good tips on how to find a good one, especially for a young baby without spending tons of money?
Hi LEO! I wrote a post on childcare a little while ago and it explains how we found Maya. For us it was all about recommendations from other student parents, and during the first few days of him being there, when I wondered if this was the right thing (just because I barely knew her!) I comforted myself knowing that several other grad students glowingly recommended her. Now I do the same :)
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has taken care of other people's children for over ten years I have to say that people involved in childcare usually do it because they have a gift, they enjoy it and they are good at it. There is nothing wrong with entrusting your child to another caring and loving individual! that person often becomes part of the family- I always felt like I did anyway.
ReplyDeleteOn the otherhand, I know someone who wants to have kids just to have them, like possessions. She only uses the word "reproduce" when refering to having kids and she tells me that she plans on sticking them with a live in nanny until they are 18. I mean, a parent should have SOME role in nurturing and raising a child. She wants the kind of kids that you don't see or hear- the kind that are shoved in the background of your life. THAT pisses me off!
You guys are lucky to have found Maya! I feel the same way about our nanny whom we share with one other couple and their baby who is a few months older than ours.
ReplyDeleteHeh - I wish I could talk to anonymous and tell her that there are other options out there besides daycare and family! Anyway, it all depends on what kind of care you get - and I totally back you up . . . if mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy!
And we working moms deserve some credit, damnit!
As a working mom who wants to stay home with her baby (OMG, toddler!) the "child abandonment" comment really stings. And as a working mom who left her child in the care of a daycare provider for a few days and he was abused, it stings even more. Now, I don't even trust the neighborhood kids to babysit...but I still have to work. Sometimes weighing the pros and cons of living in a house with a yard where he can play (with my MIL who takes care of him every workday now) versus an apartment, living in a neighborhood with an incredible school district versus large inner city classes, and our child having parents who know they can pay their bills versus ones that are always stressed out about how to pay medical bills, insurance, school loans, grocery, etc etc etc...it might just lean in favor of mom working...but I conjure up ideas almost every day about how we could make it possible for me to stay home...and they aren't very realistic. People who judge others about this issue don't know shit about shit, and should really mind their own business. Maybe some of these mommys staying home have too much time on their hands. Try working outside of the house and being a mommy too, and then shut your cake-hole. OMG, sorry to vent so much in your comments!! Still wishing you and your fam all the best!!
ReplyDeleteIt is wonderful when you can find a daycare provider you love. I am sure she will really appreciate the toys. Bear loves his ring stacker too.
ReplyDeleteIt is so great to have daycare providers who are like family. Ours are like that -- especially now that the same ladies are taking care of our second child. :) And do you know, I still send Xmas cards to the woman who kept me and my sister 28-some years ago?? Pretty neat. It takes a village and I, myself, am grateful for special friendships that last my whole life! (So the meanies can kiss it!)
ReplyDeleteI think there are problems with taking any style of parenting to an extreme. Just as dumping your kid off on other people all the time is bad, I think kids never being away from their parents is just as bad. I am acquainted with someone who is the hardcore attachment parenting type. Her 2 1/2 year old has severe separation anxiety (as does she) to the point that she can't even leave the kid with a sitter for a couple hours so they can go out to dinner by themselves. (Not surprisingly, their marriage isn't exactly happy.) The kid also doesn't say more than a few words, even to her parents, she's never been around other kids, and she's horribly shy.
ReplyDeleteWe've only had my mother and a few friends ever watch Cora, but I'm excited about her starting daycare in the fall. She'll get to play with other babies when she's at an age that she'll really benefit from it, socially and building her immune system. The daycares we're looking at have people with advanced degrees in childcare and many years of experience. Frankly, they're probably more qualified to watch my kid than I am. What do I know about babies? (I'm just hoping we can continue to afford it since I won't be working the before taking the bar!)
I think that's a great idea for a gift for Maya. How lucky you are to have had her in your life! The attachment (good) childcare providers have to "their kids" is incredible, and I put them in the same category as (good) teachers.
If I didn't work we might actually be starving...and living in very very cramped quarter...and wouldn't have extra money for any toys...and would be scraping by just enough to clothe and diaper them...and there certainly wouldn't be any money to start college funds. My mother didn't go to school part time after her divorce to get her nursing degree and start working to provide for us for me to not learn from her example and get a decent job to help provide for my family...I know my mom busted her butt so that we could have better. I would see it as an insult to her to not at least try as hard as her to help provide for my family. Plus, that protects me in the event of something really awful happening (divorce, death, or if Justin's disabled). And my kids actually LEARN at their daycare...even the infants are stimulated and exposed to things I would never think of.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I can never express my gratitude enough to my kids' teachers. BTW...it's Teacher Appreciation week...how fitting that you're giving Maya a wonderful gift for her/the other babies. :)
My mom went back to work soon after I was born. My dad was, at the time, taking courses to become a teacher (after being a banker for years). Eventually, though, it turned out to be best for my dad to just stay home with my little sister and me. We loved having him home, but when he and my mom did go out, we loved being babysat. (And we still keep in contact with our old babysitters)
ReplyDeleteI think that every family is different. There's no way to assess what exactly is best for any given family, unless you're part of it yourself.
I think it's really true, that it takes a village to raise a child.
ReplyDeleteHaving some wonderful women in my life who love my son as much as I do ... and he lights up when he sees them ... that helps me feel so much less guilty when I go to work. I get to be a woman, an adult, me ... and then I get to be a mama, all for him. I think it's the best of both worlds.
Do you have a picture of the two of them? You will want one. OK, two ... one for her and one for you.