Sunday, October 21, 2007

Moving On, or trying to

I'm having a hard time writing. Life is moving on, like it always does, so there's plenty of little things to blog about: Landon's new found love of clocks, going back to school, the gorgeous fall weather, the 5-hour MPRE class yesterday, and just generally trying to pick life back up where we left it on Oct. 4th. But hanging over us all is the ongoing investigation and the uncertainty of how and when it will end. The elation we felt on Tuesday when we got to bring Landon home is starting to fade into a constant fear of where this is going. We need to try to move on- we're not in crisis anymore and everything can't stay on hold- but the terror of an adverse decision by DCFS and a trial or question of custody keeps me awake at night. Normally I blog about what's on my mind, but there's only so many ways I can re-write the same fears. And just writing about funny Landon stories and law school doesn't seem true to myself. So new posts, like me right now, will probably consist of rehashing the same worries while trying to focus on the ordinary.

Going back to class on Friday was strange. I ran in to a classmate who asked where I'd been and I wasn't sure how to answer. Part of me wants everyone to know our story, but it's rather long and I just didn't have the energy to begin telling it. I've also started to fear people not believing me and I just can't deal with that right now. I think I said something about family trouble. The seminar itself was great. It's a practical class about negotiating complex business transactions, and if I had nothing else going on I would have dedicated a blog post solely to it. This Friday we were split in half to negotiate an employment agreement. My group represented Heidi Fleiss, the owner of "Rancho Macho", a male stud farm in Nevada. The employee was a famous adult film star who would be our big ticket item. The negotiations resulted in some very interesting contractual provisions.

Yesterday was the MPRE bar/bri class. It was long, although the guy doing it made it as amusing as possible, and I managed to half-listen while cleaning out my inbox. I had 215 repeatedly read but unanswered emails from people, many of them strangers, and all were so nice and meant so much to me that I really wanted to write some of them back. I'm still working on it, but I got through about 150 in the class. By the time I arrived home JP's aunt had arrived and my dad had left. His aunt is just wonderful and Landon is thoroughly enjoying her attentions. When I came out to the living room this morning, he was curled up in her lap sleeping and they both looked very happy with the situation.

I'm trying to work through the to-do lists that were written before this nightmare began. There are stacks all over our apartment- bills to pay, letters to file, and notifications to deal with. I found notices for two parking tickets I didn't know I had, one now overdue. We got our first "denial of claim" letter from the insurance company for Day 8 of the hospital stay. If Day 8 is denied I'm pretty sure Day 9 will be too- and probably days before that. JP is still working on his business school application and I helped edit his essays. We went to the grocery store for the first time in almost a month and restocked our fridge. At some point I'm going to attempt to play catch-up with my law reading. Tonight JP and I are taking advantage of our Safety Person and going out to belatedly celebrate his birthday. From the outside we look like things are back to normal (other than having a perpetual house guest), but inside we're far from recovered.


  1. It sounds like you are doing the best you can do, holding your family together and working on your new normal.

    Hang in there. There are many strangers in this world who are pulling for you and your little family!

  2. Of course you have nothing else on your mind. This is your life right now. I check your blog daily still...just don't always comment. By the way, wow on responding to those emails!

  3. I can sympathize. My child is being held by the noncustodial parent and isnt in school, yet I am supposed to be patient with the system that is trying to get my son home.

    My best advice is to try and put it behind you the best you can. Do what you need to for Landon but make time for the stuff you need - like school and taking time with JP.

    I watch your blog and am amazed at how this sytem seems to punish good parents and lets the other ones off without a hitch.

    Prayers are with you and yours!

  4. Lagliv, give yourself time and space, as much as you possibly can. You've been through one of the most traumatic events a mother can experience: having her baby taken from her. I am no doctor or psychiatrist, but I think you're going to need to heal from this for far longer than Landon will need to knit his little ribs together.

    Do the best you can do, getting through the day, managing your life, but at the same time, recognize that you've been through a tremendously traumatizing event. It's okay to put off getting back to normal. If you need the time to heal yourself and your family, you need the time. People will understand.

  5. I know that you have probably heard the old poem about footprints in the sand. The one where the man looks back at his life and sees two sets of footprints most of the way, his and God's. The times that were the hardest he sees only one set and he becomes angry that God left him in those times. God tells him that in the hardest times of his life, when he felt he just couldn't go on, he (God) had been carrying him.
    I hated that poem for a long time and found it to be very corny. Now though, after walking through some pretty tough situations, I see the truth in it. It is when we are weakest that God's strength shows the most. Remember that God loves you, JP, and Landon tremendously and he is in control of this situation. Continue to rely on him and he will give you strength. I am praying for you to feel his loving arms and that the truth will be revealed to all and that his name will be glorified.

  6. I don't know you and have only just discovered your situation via another blawg, so obviously my comments are to be taken with a grain of salt. While I understand your need for privacy and your fear that law school friends/classmates won't believe you, I think you are making a huge error in not telling your story to as many people as you can. You're at one of the nation's top law schools, home to some of the best legal minds with connections to other top legal minds. That's got to be good for something more practical than a line on your resume or a ticket to a clerkship or biglaw job. Your law school community should be circling the wagons and helping you and your husband defend against this horror.

    My two cents.


  7. I sorry for offering unsolicited advice, but...

    We my husband and I sought sole custody of his children, we felt that we were up in the air for 2 years. But as soon as the judge placed the children with us, we knew we had them. If there was ANYTHING for the judge to be worried about, you would NOT have Landon right now!!!! We have had the children for 4 years (since the ages of 6 and 3) and their biomom in NOT allowed any contact/communication with them at all. Thank god!! The children do not talk about her and not for years. But my point is, if anyone was worried about you and JP as parents, you would not be allowed to care for him right now.

  8. Hang in there. You have been incredibly strong and brave through all of this. Although many of us reading this are strangers to you we worry about you and your family. It will all work out in the end. We appreciate you sharing this very personal and heartbreaking story and not shutting us out because of a few hurtful comments.

  9. This is going to be a strange comment, but I want to get it right, and be sure you know it comes from a good place.

    I think I am going to stop reading your blog. Not for my sake, but for yours.

    I feel like you're trying to write for us...the anonymous...who have found you and are caught up in your story. But you shouldn't have to do that. Your blog should be about whatever it is that's on your mind today, be it a clock that makes your son smile, or a class about something that would bore me to tears.

    I read all of the posts that led up to Landon's being taken and all the many that followed feeling somewhat voyeuristic. And now, I don't want to be someone who just stops reading because it's no longer fraught with peril! That seems unfair to you as well. So I've dropped by daily, eating up each word, to offer you support.

    Now, I think maybe you just need to be alone, with the people you started writing for - friends, family, yourself, whoever. So I am going to drift away. Don't feel you have to write on my account. Just love your baby, and the best of luck to you all.

  10. ahhh...I hate-love how in grad school they give us corny and funny fake names for case studies haha we do the same thing in med school...this year in biostats when we were talking about probability distributions, we used Mr. Dirty and his messy apartment and the probabilty of him trapping mice and bugs..ew!

    I'm glad your back in school and that things are getting back into a somewhat "normal" routine! =\\ *hugs*

  11. I've commented before under a different name. I changed my login due to my exhusband and his crappy family searching me out constantly.... I was accused by him of child abuse and went through a terrible court experience. And I TOTALLY relate to trying to explain to people where you were and what have you been doing anyway?!? It was horrible trying to stutter my way through sanitized explanations of where my older children were.... And having to re-live the judgments of people who thought that I was probably *really* to blame because mistakes like this -- ACCUSATIONS LIKE THIS -- don't happen!

    Just know, LL, that you have people on your side. I wish I had some magic words, but I don't.... You're doing what you are supposed to do, and that's all you CAN do at this point!

  12. I just found your blog via a link on Peanut Butter Burrito and oh my goodness...I am so sorry for what your family has had to endure.

    I am a law student and a mommy as well, but in my former life I was a social worker and child protective services worker. I did investigations for the state. I had a case that was eerily similar to yours except it was an MRI with bleeding on the brain instead of the ribs. It looked for all the world like shaken baby from the scans, but none of the environmental factors were there. We worked that case like crazy b/c we did not want to take this baby if it was not really shaken baby. Ultimately, we discovered that one of the medications he was given in the NICU as a premie had a very very very rare side effect and caused the bleeding. It took about two weeks to sort out and we did not take the baby, but I know it was extraordinarily traumatic for the family.

    I will be thinking of you and your family. I hope so very much that you get the peace and justice that you need. I also hope that you find out what is causing your little one such pain. It is so hard to watch them suffer and not know how to help.

    It sounds like you guys are doing everything that you can. I hope for the very best for your family and your little one. Mostly I hope that your workers know the power that they hold and work to help you to heal your baby, not cause further harm.

  13. Don't worry about us -- just take care of yourself and your family. :) I think that if I were where you are now, I'd be pulling inward and trying to feel as "normal" as possible.

    Thank you again for sharing this story, as hard as it must have been.