And that grand, incredible, must-blog-it thought is this: I really like "I Can Do It With a Broken Heart" by Taylor Swift from The Tortured Poets Department.
TTPD is not my favorite album of hers, but I do really like a few of the songs and this is one of them. It just speaks to me. And while I was walking today (after 9.5 hours at the office and before picking up Cora from swimming while James took Claire to the doctor to get a pink eye diagnosis), and listening to it on repeat, I realized why:
'Cause I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit
They said, "Babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it" and I did
Lights, camera, bitch smile, in stilettos for miles
He said he'd love me for all time
But that time was quite short
Breaking down, I hit the floor
All the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting, "MORE"
I was grinning like I'm winning, I was hitting my marks
'Cause I can do it with a broken heart.
I've been pretty head over heels in love with James since 2001 so the romantic heartbreak I think our goddess Taylor is alluding to doesn't hit with me, but I have absolutely had pieces of me shattered on the floor with my emails chanting MORE. I've been grinning like I'm winning, I've been hitting my marks, and I've been doing with with a broken heart.
I've been in important on-the-record testimony in another city while a child was blowing up my phone, sobbing and terrified, in a full-blown previously unknown mental health crisis. I've had mornings when I have to leave things with James unfinished, both of us annoyed, neither of us able to fix it in the hectic morning rush and hating, absolutely hating, knowing that my marriage, which is the often taken-for-granted absolutely-rock-hard foundation of my life, is shaky and weird and I simply cannot fix it right now. I've missed things: not any big things, but plenty of little ones. I've worked through family drama, personal spirals, health issues, and more. We all do. We can do it with a broken heart.
I love my job. I mean, I wouldn't do it if I didn't both need money and get paid, but I do genuinely like it. I love being a counselor to my clients. I like the statutory certainty of the federal securities law framework combined with the persuasiveness of case law and regulatory interpretation. I like the order of working in my own office, I like spending most of my days reading and writing things, and I like being around other adults pretty much all the time. I love business development- I love speaking and writing in my area of expertise, and I genuinely enjoy making connections with people in the market. But it's hard. The actual work is hard, but FAR more than that is the hard of doing it while the rest of your life is being lived in and around you.
I never want to focus on the negative, and I don't. But I've found it's important when I mentor our younger associates to let them know that yeah, this feels hard because it is. I have missed things. I have had really hard moments where I was a better lawyer than a mom for that short time block, and while it makes me sad, I'm also still certain it was the right thing to do right then. None of us are doing this perfectly. We need to judge in broad strokes, and in my quiet moments of reflection, I do think I'm a good lawyer who serves her clients well, and I do think I'm a good wife and mother to the people who matter the very most to me.
But it's hard. And sometimes you're doing it with a broken heart.