Sunday, January 6, 2008

Aftershocks

I have several posts, half-written or entirely in my head, about the aftermath of the investigation. I'm still working through what happened- there's anger, disbelief, gratitude, exhaustion, and outrage- and they all present themselves in varying degrees at different times. The vast majority of the time, I don't feel much of anything. We live our full and busy lives with Landon, and DCFS has no place in it. But sometimes the emotional aftershocks almost knock me down. My therapist compared my feelings to PTSD- JP and I both have nightmares and there are triggers that immediately bring me back to the darkest days. Last week, Landon took a nap on the exam table while we were waiting for the doctor. I was sitting with an arm on each side of him and when I lifted up one hand to check my watch, I had a clear vision of him rolling off the table and no one believing my story. It was a moment of complete panic. I couldn't breathe, my heart was pounding, and I could see myself trying to explain what happened to faces that had already made up their mind. I wonder how long things like that will happen- that an injury to my child will not make me first worry for them, but instead make me worry that they will be taken away.

The first post in this series will be about gratitude. It's the easiest to write as it's an emotion I had experience with before October. Future posts will probably appear at random- intruding in this blog about shoes, law school, and Landon the way they intrude inside me. I heal through the writing of them- like there's an emotional checklist and every time I address one, the dark memories fade even more.

4 comments:

  1. Sometimes first time parents are fearful of accidentally hurting baby. So many times I had to really focus on picking up the twins when they were newborns. They seemed so small, so very delicate. I still remember how I made my husband give them their first baths while I hovered the whole time feeling terribly left out.

    With my new baby's arrival, those fears were gone and I relished giving that first bath to her.

    You'll get your confidence back as those awful days are eased from your recent memory. If it makes you feel better, do be extra vigilant.

    You're doing just fine, LL.

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  2. I haven't had to suffer through the nightmare you have been through and I can only imagine the paralyzing terror of having someone accuse me of intentionally hurting my child. Even at that, I too have those moments of panic. It is horrible that a system designed to protect victims fails so many that need protection and victimizes those who are good parents. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I do believe that writing about terrible things and talking about them helps you desensitize yourself to them. It will always hurt but hopefully with time it will become less raw. I believe in you and JP. I think Landon is a very blessed little boy.

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  3. Sometimes your most poignant posts leave me the most speechless. I still ache for all you have and are going through.

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  4. Oh wow. :( That must be a terrifying feeling! I'm glad that the therapist is helping you work through this all and hope that the panic and fear will be mostly gone before Landon ever knows the difference. Is your husband talking to someone, too?

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