Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Day 60: Still Waiting

2 months. 8.5 weeks. 60 days. Way too many hours. That's how long this nightmare has been going on. I remember waking up in the hospital on Day 2 or 3 and being shocked that we were still there- I was sure that all the accusations and questioning had just been a bad dream. Even as it become clear that this wasn't something I could wake up from, I never thought we'd still be involved, and still not even know where this is going, when Fall quarter ended.

The investigator called our lawyer this morning and said the person from wherever is in the Chicago office and will be reviewing our file today. She's supposed to call with the decision this afternoon. I don't know if this is the final decision or just the medical expert decision, but at this point, I think they're pretty much the same. I'm nervous and I know my stomach will drop when my phone rings, but at least we should know what we're fighting soon- if it's anything.

One of the things I resent most about this investigatory process is how impotent it has made me feel. I am normally the last person to be trampled on and I absolutely stand up for myself when needed. I have always been able to get what I felt was just treatment by knowing my rights and respectfully, but firmly asserting them. My behavior and actions now are almost unrecognizable. The old me would have revolted at the thought of meekly submitting to that horrible conversation I had with the supervisor yesterday. I would have been demanding to speak to her supervisor, to get clear answers, to be treated with some degree of professionalism, if not respect. The new me, the me who sat across from this woman as she pronounced they were taking custody of my child, weakly thanked her for the information and went back to my study carrel with my stomach in knots. They terrify me. They have so much power and almost no check against it. It's true they have to go to a state's attorney to get any legal backing behind their actions, but just the unspoken threat of them taking action is scary. Especially when it's already been taken against you with almost no justification. I know I should be making more noise. I should be talking to people higher up in the DCFS chain. I should be trying harder to reach the RCPA that I know is there and should be helping me. I should be writing to state representatives. I should be doing something more than waiting. But I don't. And while there's still a chance they won't indicate us, I won't. And I hate that almost more than anything else.

In other, rather big news, I had my dermatology appointment this morning. The doctor was concerned about the mole and asked if I minded having it removed and biopsied right then. I agreed (anything to keep me from outlining, right?) and the procedure was done quickly and almost painlessly. I have three stitches in the middle of my back that have to be removed in two weeks and the biopsy results should be back in one. I don't think he really thought it was cancerous yet, but given my family history and very pale skin he didn't want to take any chances. He looked over the rest of me and said I have "remarkably healthy skin" for being so fair and growing up in a hot sunny climate. If nothing else, at least I'll age well. That almost makes up for having to be to obsessive about sunscreen and long-sleeved t-shirts at the beach while my friends got all hot and tan. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to wear the backless cocktail dress I bought for JP's work party with a bandage in the middle of my back. A few months ago I really would have believed that would be my biggest worry right now.

12 comments:

  1. This is insane. You don't know me, but I'm praying for your family.

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  2. As a lawyer, I had those exact same thoughts reading your last post. We are taught to make convincing arguments and fight to be heard. I knew that where you would have ordinarily taken that person to task for that "conversation," you are completely at her mercy when she holds the fate of your child in her hands. I continue to pray for your family and hope that everything is settled soon. Maybe at that point someone can be held accountable for this ridiculous nightmare.

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  3. Del in Alabama12/4/07, 1:54 PM

    about the cocktail dress: one of those sheer evening wraps? I got one a few years ago at Penney's, I think, very reasonably. It's shimmery gold, but they had lots of colors.The sexy backlessness would still be there, but it might disguise the bandaid.

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  4. don't feel bad for being "meek" to them. you have a lot on your plate. plus, you don't need the added fear that you'd likely feel if you did stand up to them. i think you've handled the whole ordeal splendidly. hang in there & keep doing what you're doing; us anonymous internet friends are rooting for you 1000%!

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  5. Good luck all the way around -- with DCFS and the mole. I'm still rooting for you and thinking of you often.

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  6. I'm so sorry they are still dragging this out. Just keep reminding yourself that they don't have a leg to stand on. They have no proof, you have medical records to prove your case, and you have gone above and beyond what they have asked for. Let us know if there is anything we can do.

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  7. Keep hanging in there - we're still praying for this to be over.

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  8. It is not meekness. There is a protection mechanism for your child that is stronger than anything else. It makes you do the most prudent thing even when the most prudent thing sucks. It makes you play nicer than you ever have if it will make all of the bad things go away. It is hard to accept as a woman, but useful as a mother. You are doing everything to keep your baby safe, you are doing everything right. I can't wait for this nightmare to be over for you.

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  9. Please don't beat yourself up with "should"s - of all the people to criticize in this situation, I'd say you're pretty much at the bottom of the list.

    Praying that this is justly resolved today. Good luck!

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  10. I've been reading your blog for about a month now, and decided to finally comment. The way you are being treated is completely unacceptable. When it's all said and done (and hopefully in your favor), I would raise some serious hell for what they've put you through.

    You and your family have been in my prayers. Hang in there.

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  11. Don't worry, there will be plenty of time for ass-kicking after this is finally all over. We will all write angry letters for you!! Just tell us where to send 'em and who to hate on!! ;)

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  12. (((HUGS)))

    On the back thing, I have heard that they make really good skin-toned bandages. Maybe by the time of the party, your swelling will be down and you can switch to a smaller, less obvious bandage. I also agree on the evening wrap thing. There are so many out there that surely you can find one to cover it and use cold as an excuse for keeping it on!

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