Broken Inside

People ask how I'm feeling and I can't think of the right words. Devastated doesn't cover it- I'm also angry, sad, worried, indignant, disbelieving. And it's more than just emotion. There's a deep sense of something hurting inside, like part of me is missing. I feel broken. I'm a mom and I don't have my baby. I woke up several times last night waiting to hear him cry, and instead cried myself when I remembered where he was and that we didn't know when we would get him back.

We talked with the lawyer last night- he was pretty grimly realistic. Tuesday is mostly a formality- almost no judge will take the risk of a child going home and getting hurt again. The lawyer stressed how important it is to gather medical opinions that state the fractures could have happened from something other than abuse. Also, we should be able to have a family member stay with Landon in Chicago during all these proceedings instead of going into foster care. He was pretty confident any judge would agree to that. Last night we also talked to a pediatric orthopedist who works at the hospital we were in (we asked for an orthopedic consult and the doctors insisted it wasn't necessary). He looked at the x-rays and immediately said, "This looks like one event, the fractures are several weeks to a few months old, and it was likely compression from front to back." WHAT?! That's completely the opposite of what we were told by CPS. One event is enormously different from multiple and they could even date back to the birth. We are meeting with him in person on Monday and he is willing to write a report or hopefully be phoned in during the hearing. He talked about how unfortunate it was the the research around rib fractures focuses solely on abuse and he feels that there probably are more babies with these fractures that just never get found. Landon would have been one of those if I hadn't asked for that x-ray. My professors wife (the doctor) also found several medical journal articles that talk about rib fractures occurring at birth. Landon was very bruised after he was born so that's certainly possible. My dad flew in at some point during the evening- it is great to have him here too. I couldn't eat anything all day so I had a terrible headache and was just emotionally exhausted. We all went to bed pretty early.

Today we've spent the whole day trying to gather more things to take to the hearing. The lawyer called this morning sounded a bit more optimistic (I think he had a bad day yesterday). He felt that being able to use the orthopedist's opinion to counter the medical opinion from DCFS would be pretty powerful. (DCFS doesn't have a doctor there to rebut our doctor's conclusions, they just have the written report from Dr. K). He also felt that the judge was sure to allow a family member to foster Landon while the rest of this saga continues. I'm not sure if we'll need to put them up in a temporary residence or if JP and I are allowed to stay home, but we'll do anything to keep him out of foster care. We went to Northwestern to get his NICU records and x-rays (unfortunately he only got one on the first day which is too early to show anything). I called my midwife who said she would be happy to write a letter attesting to my prenatal care, the delivery, my narrow hips, and his bruises after birth. We also talked to the neonatologist at the NICU who is also writing a letter about Landon's breathing troubles and birth trauma. We'll probably never know if his ribs broke in delivery, but it could at least raise the point that there are possibilities other than child abuse.

At 1pm we had an appointment to visit Landon. As long as he's in the shelter we get 1 hour of supervised visitation a day (as opposed to foster care where we get 1 hour a week). I'm praying he remains in the shelter until Tuesday. It's not great, but anything is better than the lottery of a foster parent. It was almost worse to see him for an hour in those conditions than not at all. At home I can pretend he's still in the hospital, but there, the reality of it all just slaps you in the face. He was so cute and cuddly. We tried to soak up our time with him as best we could, but it was hard not to think about how much time you had before he would be taken from us again.

We're now working on a timeline of doctor visits and his hospital stay to send to the lawyer. My mom flew home an hour ago. It was hard to see her go, but by going back, she can fly up again soon. My dad is staying through the weekend. We're still researching alternate explanations for rib fractures (I greatly appreciate any articles you send- especially those from medical journals). We're going to dinner at my professor's house. His wife has some journal articles for us and it will be good to get out of our apartment.

We're doing everything we can think of- it's keeping me from becoming immobilized with grief. I can't believe my baby is in a shelter. I can't believe any of this is happening.